Having attended the Conversational Marketing Summit held by Federated Media in NYC, June 1-2 – a virtual “who’s who” of the latest digital marketing thought leaders – I originally planned to write about all the cool digital trends taking place right now.

After all, hearing how companies such as American Express, Intel, Lenovo, GE, Blackberry, Microsoft and more are approaching social media and the latest thinking when it comes to subjects such as search strategies was incredibly eye-opening.

But what really hit home were a few of the not-so-technical points that had more to do with social interactions vs. the latest digital know-how. The first was this perspective on social media from one speaker that made everyone squirm in their chairs just a bit:

Once you have people’s attention, be prepared for them to come after you.

The point was that certainly, social media is a fantastic marketplace of different opinions, viewpoints and personalities. But that also means, no matter how altruistic, authentic or well-intended you are, you will likely encounter a myriad of individual opinions, including some that question your credibility and your motives. And the more exposure you seek, the more likely this will be true.

The second related point that caused a few of the PR folks in the room to grimace slightly was that in this new communication world, while everyone has the freedom to express their opinions, that doesn’t mean companies have to give everyone who has an opinion equal treatment. According to what’s considered by some to be “best practices” of social and PR, that’s sure to raise some hackles, as we’ve all been coached to respond – and to respond as quickly and as thoroughly as possible. But the point was this: If you’re dealing with an individual who’s hell-bent on questioning your every move, broadcasting false or damaging opinions, and you have done your best to share your point of view, clarify and communicate, sometimes the best way to win a no-win situation is to end the engagement.

For all that is good about social, there are individuals who are simply looking to pick a fight, or whose strategy is to grab attention by being controversial. But that doesn’t mean they get to set the rules. Just like you probably wouldn’t spend your entire evening at a cocktail party with the most abusive, negative or obnoxious person in the room, neither are you obligated to do so in a social media setting.

All companies cringe at the idea that they might encounter public criticism. But should the possibility of encountering a negative situation via social media be a reason to avoid it all together? Not at all. Every company represented at the summit agreed that the very fundamentals of how we communicate have already changed, for good. Trying to deny or hide is not a solution and won’t do anything to solve a problem or stem the tide of potential criticism. Doing so only makes you look unaware and out of touch – not to mention the opportunities you might miss to clear up misinformation, educate, tell your story and express your own point of view.

So what do you do when faced with someone who is trying to flame you on social media? Here are some things to keep in mind:

- Listen closely and consider the spirit of the communication. When it comes to email, everyone understands now that it’s easy to misinterpret intent. Something written lacks a lot of what makes communications effective, including body language and tone. Although responding quickly is essential with social media, it’s also important to be sure that before you fire off a response, you take the time to digest the possible meanings and motivation behind the message.

- Consider when and how to engage. If possible, find out a little more background. Is the criticism justified, is it accurate or is it coming from someone with an axe to grind? What’s the best, most timely and appropriate way to respond?

- Take it off-line, if possible. For how “social” media now is, it also provides a cover for passive-aggressive behavior, as it’s much easier to criticize and take potshots indirectly vs. face to face. If possible and it makes sense given the situation, pick up the phone, have a conversation or arrange a meeting to talk it out to see if you can solve the problem and clear the air. Don’t allow talking through the semitransparent shield to take the place of real live human contact.

- Remember, no one individual “sets the rules.” Social media is a relatively new form of communication. As far as I know, there are no official laws governing social media conversations (besides the obvious anti-criminal laws and rules of engagement established by Facebook, Flickr and others for appropriate conduct). Social media is a great form of self expression – don’t be afraid to try some things, find out what works and admit your mistakes when things go wrong. If your intent is good and you have other people’s best interests at heart, the vast majority of the response will be positive. There are many self-appointed experts, so take their social media “finger-wagging” with a grain of salt. Don’t allow it to squelch your creativity or the opportunity to utilize these powerful channels.

- Tough as it is, take the high road: When under attack, it’s easy to want to defend yourself by fighting back, which can quickly make matters worse and become a time suck for everyone involved. One company at the summit said it follows one simple rule: respect different points of view and don’t say negative things about others via social media. A simple, but effective guiding policy.

- Beware of baiters: Some people just like to stir things up and get a reaction, even if it’s negative. Others use it as a way to call attention to themselves and promote their own agenda. Weigh individual criticisms carefully before engaging – if they are a legitimate concern, an accuracy question, a misperception or a false fact, it’s a good idea to clarify, as other social media spectators may have the same impression. If they are simply personal opinion without basis of fact, consider whether or not you’d have a realistic chance at changing an individual’s point of view or if by doing so, you’ll simply be adding more fuel to the fire.

- Set your boundaries: There are three ways to engage–deep engagement, minimal, or not at all. Consider the source, the issue at hand, and make a decision. Keep an eye on the situation and change your method as needed.